Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Valentine Hired; Cherington Hired As Groundskeeper

Larry Lucchino 2, Ben Cherington 0.

Cherington will THINK he's mowing grass while it's actually Lucchino mowing the grass.  Meanwhile, like the 2002 Mets under DISCIPLINARIAN manager Bobby Valentine, maybe the bullpen will be SMOKING grass.  The ownership group has given the champion of "subjective" information absolutely no power, so maybe Carmine will make the decision that JD Drew's coming back.  What a bunch of smart, professional businessmen.  Maybe they'll have the professional courtesy one of these days to tell Gene Lamont that he didn't get the job.

Valentine is not a stupid baseball manager.  Not smart, but not nearly as dumb as many others who currently hold major league jobs.  I do, however, think many of his opinions are full of crap.  I also think that Lucchino's decision to tell the baseball people to F themselves are emblematic of the fact that this team cares more about what happens during the postgame show than what happens during the duringgame show.  Well, except for Ben Affleck, Ernie Boch Junior, Jay Peterman (who IS funny), Lenny Clarke (who is NOT funny), and John Kerry appearances with Remy and Orsillo.

It is also possible if not probable that one of the following exchanges takes place:

Bobby: Stop swinging at the first pitch with a man on base.
Gonzalez: F*** you, old man, it was God's will.  Plus, I was tired because it's Sunday night and I wasn't concentrating.

Bobby:  If you dare trying to steal third base with two outs and a .300 hitter at the plate, you will be either benched or banished to the Arizona Fall League.  We're trying to win baseball games.
46:  F*** you, old man, I'm not trying to win baseball games, I'm trying to get that paper.

Bobby:  Find a salad bar.
Beckett:  F*** you, old man, I do what I want.

Bobby:  Shut the f*** up and play base--
Ortiz:  Bobby, I'mma let you finish, but that was supposed to be an RBI! 

Yeah, this is a bonus post, and I didn't want to look forward.  But isn't that the point of this blog in the first place?


Ross Kaplan said...

Thank you DV, Howz You Doin couldn't possibly sign off without one more photo shop. Also I don't know if it was your intention, but I totally pictured Beckett as Eric Cartman just now.

I'm pretty sure I said this before, but just in case, I think Valentine is going to be a complete disaster managing the Red Sox. He'll be nonchalant about his first series against the Yankees and the Boston fans and media will kill him for not being intense enough and it will all be downhill from there.

The GM said...


First of all, thanks.

Second of all, when it first came out of my keyboard it was not intentional, but Eric Cartman also came to my mind when I read it back to myself.

Finally, and most importantly, I have never used Adobe Photoshop once in my life. All the poor-quality images created here are created 100% with Microsoft Paint and the copy & paste function. Believe me, I could make things look a lot better than I have if I used Photoshop and took 45 minutes to edit a picture. I prefer wordplay.

Rocci said...

But Bobby Valentine invented the wrap sandwich! We're going to need that kind of innovative thinking to win baseball games!

In all seriousness, I really enjoyed this blog for the couple years I knew it existed, and I'll miss it.

Anonymous said...


At least the Sox have a manager now. My hope is that he makes the guys a little more accountable. And sometimes change for the sake of change is a good thing. Pat talked about it a lot in 2009 regarding the Yankees--that sometimes the newness and freshness of change can give the team a boost.

If Lucchino is really running the show then I don't see why he doesn't just become the GM. It would at least save the Sox some money. Here's hoping Cherington gets a chance and makes the most of it.

Lastly, on a completely unrelated note, but very related to a lot of what this blog has been about I finished reading Moneyball last week (a little late, I know) and in hindsight it is not flattering for Billy Beane to see how high he was on guys like Jeremy Brown and Mark Teahan. He drafted Joe Blanton ahead of Matt Cain. He drafted Nick Swisher over Cole Hamels, and would have taken him over Prince Fielder and Zach Greinke. With seven first round picks he also missed on Jon Lester, Joey Votto, and Jonathan Broxton.

Every GM whiffs on guys. And baseball is hard to predict. But it just goes to show that you can have all formulas and analysis that you want, but if they're wrong, or you don't apply them properly, you're going to screw up.

--the Gunn

Anonymous said...

Hey, Bobby-san can speak Japanese, everyone bet big paper on DICE having a strong season.


Anonymous said...

This was definitely one more quote worthy post.
Thanks for all the hardwork boys!

the gm at work said...


As long as the inventor of the Internet doesn't show up as the third base coach (he'll probably be too busy studying climate change and its effects on New Yankee Stadium wind currents), I think it'll be okay.

Joel Sherman said that the current Red Sox are the Steinbrenner Yankees, and Valentine very well may be Billy Martin. I thought that was a good parallel.


Cherington should quit. Nobody deserves that after 12 years with the organization. Maybe he's already been fired, but they plan on notifying him at the same time they notify Gene Lamont about their decision. Maybe it'll be in a one-hour ESPN special with Jim Gray.

People openly rooted against Jeremy Brown and celebrated when he retired a year or two ago.

Tim C,

The Japanese impact of Valentine is definitely something that deserves some thought. He was pretty outspoken regarding the way the team had previously used - and trained - Matsuzaka. You might also think that Junichi "Too Good for Japan" Tazawa might get a shot under this guy, something that might be good but, like many other Valentine things, could be an absolute disaster.

ZWeiss said...

Great post. I know I only started reading this blog this year, but I'm definately gonna miss hearing what you guys have to say. Thanks for doing this. Best of luck wherever life takes you guys.