Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tales from the Text Machine

I pretty much spilled it all in last night's comment section.  Hopefully I can remember a month and a half from now to commemorate the Red Sox' 2011 season with my three-comment rant from the office this afternoon.

Currently the Best Team Ever is up 5-3 and the Rays and Yankees are tied at two.  I have more work to do than the Red Sox' bullpen after Erik Bedard departed early tonight, so I'm going to give a Red Sox September-level effort toward this post.  I imagine whatever ends up happening tonight will be reflected in the comments section.  I also anticipate that my cell phone is going to be asking me to delete some texts soon, but as this is my easiest medium of communication with my co-author, I don't like to delete texts when the team is struggling because that's when I maximize overall cleverness.  To avoid this problem, it's time to publish.

PF, 9/5, 4:27 PM:  Who is going to end the year with more HRs, Montero or Drew?
DV, 4:30 PM:  Montero.
PF, 4:31 PM:  How many does Drew have? (Answer is 4).

PF, 9/16, 7:03 PM:  It's good that the Sox are relying on a guy [Beckett] who lets his gut get out of control EVERY YEAR tonight.  Look at that thing!
DV, 7:08 PM:  These guys obviously give a [expletive] about their jobs.  Wrap your ankle, you [expletive].
PF, 7:09 PM: He'll pitch lights out tonight. The PF jinx.
DV, 7:10 PM:  Fat and happy.  Big contract.  Find a salad bar.  If my [expletive] mom is saying the same stuff as you, it's a problem.
PF, 7:11 PM:  Did [your mom] just see the same shot I did of him in the bullpen?  His gut was popping!
DV, 7:13 PM:  That was her commentary when he got hurt.  Way to stand on the base after the Julian throw got away, Adrian. [in reference to the Julian Tavarez post-comebacker bowl]
DV, 7:13 PM:  [in reference to the 50-run series prophecy] 41 more runs in 80 remaining outs.
DV, 7:14 PM: Staff ERA of 13.50?  That would be pretty standard.
PF, 7:15 PM: I'll tell you what, Tampa is a smart team, first pitch bunt testing Beckett.
DV, 7:15 PM:  Whatever.  Swing away.  Francona will let him surrender seven bombs tonight.
DV, 7:17 PM: [after a home run] Six more. 

DV, 9/17, 6:38 PM: [In a key spot with a man on and 46 up] GIDP.  Calling it now.
DV, 6:40 PM: [after the pitcher threw a wild pitch and 46 grounded out] One wild pitch away from genius.

DV, 9/19, 2:01 PM:  Best team ever.
PF, 4:06 PM:  Two wild stats: Boston hasn't won a game since August 27th in which they've scored less than 9 runs.  And Boston has gotten 4 quality starts in their last 23.
DV, 4:08 PM: "Yet one run is all it might take to win a game on some days with the starting staff the red sox have assembled." -E. Ortiz

DV, 9/20, 11:39 AM:  How do you spell the last name of the Red Sox' manager?
PF, 11:44 AM:  Francona.
DV, 11:45 AM:  Wrong.  O-R-T-I-Z.
PF, 11:46 AM:  How so?
DV, 11:48 AM:  Making [expletive] pitching staff decisions.  Shut the [expletive] up and hit.  [Expletive] guy thinks he's the GM too.  Wah, I deserve an extension.  Wah, we need a power hitter. [Expletive] you.
PF, 11:48 AM:  What did he say about the pitching?
DV, 11:49 AM:  Aceves should start.  Popped it off to the press.  Whether or not he's right (he is), shut the [expletive] up.
PF, 11:59 AM:  Yeah, they don't need more mock GMs right now.  They need someone to step up and win games.
DV, 12:01 PM:  Whatever.  They're two up with ten to play.  They can coast now.  Didn't you read the Fangraphs percentages?  Losers.

DV, 9/20, 11:00 PM:  These games have to end earlier.  Can't wait so long to watch NESN's original program SCHOOLED!  Best team ever.
DV, 11:01 PM:  Good times never seemed so good SO GOOD SO GOOD SO GOOD!
PF, 11:02 PM:  Sorry bro.  At least Tampa lost.
DV, 9/21, 7:51 AM: Don't be sorry, they deserve it.

DV, 9/21, 4:53 PM:  Just stumbled across President Adams's desperate letter about Colby's "financial situation."  Ah, that was a fun day.

DV, 9/22, 12:07 PM:  I should go to the Fenway bridal festival on Sunday that the Sox are advertising.  As a journalist.  Touching me, touching you!

DV, 9/23, 11:55 AM:  Theo Epstein is a [expletive] [expletive].  "Hey, it's not my fault that my expensive players suck!  It's Francona's!" [Expletive] you.
DV, 12:45 PM:  Also, the AL East predictions on the Worldwide Leader as cited by NoMaas is damn amazing.  [100% of ESPN's "analysts" picked Boston to win the AL East.  The GM, as you may remember, did not.]
PF, 1:26 PM:  I was sending that around yesterday to my buddies.  Another buddy sent it to me.  0-50?
DV, 3:36 PM:  Good thing Theo traded Yamaico Navarro for Aviles.  Otherwise they'd have no #5 hitter tonight.  Best team ever.

DV, 9/25, 2:40 PM:  Electric Stuff versus Best Team Ever.  Something has to give!
PF, 2:51 PM:  YES just gave the stat:  43% of all Boston starts have been quality starts this year.  League average is 53%.
DV, 3:08 PM:  Beckett is a tough guy and Lackey is a bulldog.
DV, 3:12 PM:  Also, why did Bigelow Green Tea take out Wakefield?  Didn't pitch long enough to get win 201.  What the [expletive].
DV, 3:42 PM [shortly after 46 hit his 30th home run]:  46 will not get a hit for the rest of the season.  Got his 30/100. 
DV, 4:11 PM [when they lost game 1, citing Eric Ortiz]:  Every day should feel like Xmas for Curt Young.  The former A's pitching coach didn't have anything close to the horses he has now.
PF, 4:13 PM:  If they lose tonight, is it tied?
DV, 4:14 PM:  Yes sir.  Best team ever.

DV, 8:21 PM:  Yanks will find a way to win this game.
DV, 10:27 PM [after 46 grounds into a double play]:  MV GID P.
DV, 10:31 PM [referring to Morales]:  Does Montero throw another strike before the end of the night? [He does.] I'd give even odds.
PF, 10:58 PM:  He did his job.
DV, 10:59 PM [as the game stretches deeper into extras]:  Fair.  How pissed is JD right now?
DV, 11:20 PM [after 46 homers]:  Wow.

DV, 9/27, 12:23 PM:  Watching the news at lunch.  A good mood-boosting food - green tea!  No wonder [expletive] Francona has no worries about his choking team.
PF, 12:42 PM:  Saw something today putting it squarely on management's shoulders for Lackey/Matsuzaka debacles and having no depth/plan B's behind them or anyone else in event of injury.
DV, 12:44 PM:  Eh, I wouldn't call that fair.  Andrew Miller was Plan B.
PF, 12:52 PM:  Good enough.  I guess there is enough else to blame management for as well.
DV, 12:53 PM:  Drew and Beckett and organizational attitude are on management.  Lackey and Crawford are not. [Debatable, looking back at it, as that's poor scouting.]
PF, 1:19 PM:  I have to put Crawford on management.  Sucker bet on a guy coming off a career year, paid him for what he was rather than what he'll be on the wrong side of 30.
DV, 1:20 PM:  Crawford in 2015 is on management when he can't [expletive] run anymore.  Crawford in 2011 is on Crawford.
PF, 1:25 PM:  Fair point, and I'm a proponent of that theory as you know.  In "win now" years, you sacrifice some long-term risk for short-term gains.
DV, 1:27 PM:  By "win now" you mean "television ratings are down," right?  Reaching out, touching me, touching you!
PF, 1:38 PM:  They are going for it this year, and they were from the start.  Agonz and Crawford clear evidence of that. 
DV, 1:40 PM:  Yeah, agree without sarcasm.  TV ratings and membership card/commemorative brick sales were down.  Gotta be up 20%.
DV, 1:42 PM:  #6 being a disaster in the fourth quarter didn't exactly help JWH's portfolio.  [Expletive] baby.  The whole team emulates #6.

DV, 2:53 PM:  46 is a [expletive] joke.  That caught stealing last week was unconscionable, selfish, and detrimental to winning.  [Expletive] that guy.

DV, 6:29 PM:  Jed Williams hitting cleanup.  The .199 average and .571 OPS since 6/4 must be why.


Anonymous said...


Agree with you on the vast majority of the sentiments in this post. But you gotta get real here with Ellsbury--he's been the Sox best player all year. He's been one of two guys consistently getting it done this month (Scutaro being the other) and he's ARGUABLY the best player in the American League (along with Bautista, Verlander, and Granderson). Cut him a little slack.

As for the Sox--as pathetic as they've been I want to see them win. I want them to win tonight. And if they play on Thursday, I want them to beat Tampa. That would be Red Sox fans World Series. Let's hope it happens.

--the Gunn

the gm at work said...


So for Red Sox fans, the World Series in April was the real World Series, and now it's a one-game playoff with Tampa? Awesome. Best team ever.

After reading this post, Pat proclaimed how hilarious it was that "you're so pissed off that you actually want them to miss the playoffs." As I may have said yesterday, I can't say that I'm in the majority in this sentiment, but a good third of Red Sox fans in my estimation are in the "you deserve it" camp.

I've tried harder to be objective about 46 than the Red Sox have tried to win baseball games consistently in 2011. Bottom line is, he had a good season, I can't stand the player, and therefore I'm going to find the problems instead of the solutions.

Anonymous said...

Ellsbury has had a great season. That's why I correctly started campaigning for him for MVP on this blog a few months back. I would like to see him do it two years in a row before I get too excited.

Can't hate on him this year though.

Anonymous said...

Also, he hasn't really done anything bad except for hiring Scott Boras. I understand that's enough to get 26.2 fired up but for the rational person he hasn't done a whole lot wrong.

the gm at work said...

Anonymous 3:01:

You forgot the prepositional phrases and additional clauses that really define the 46 decision for me. You wrote: "he hasn't really done anything bad except for hiring Scott Boras."

You forgot:
1) "when several high-profile baseball players were firing him due to the Arod World Series contract opt-out incident."
2) "when the entire baseball establishment shunned the agent for his role in the Arod incident."
3) "when being the first major leaguer to hire Boras to represent your interests is a blatant disrespect of the hand that feeds you and a blatant disrespect for the game that I love and that you, Anonymous 3:01, loves."
4) "when hiring Boras is a tacit endorsement at best of what Arod did, with that going double if you're the first person to do it while everyone's doing the opposite."

I also thought you were gonna ask about 1) the injury, 2) Arizona, 3) the "front AND back" interview and accompanying notecards, 4) the series of heinously dumb mental plays, the worst of which was getting thrown out at third.

I'm pretty sure I've been very clear for the past 46 (literally) months as to why I dislike 46 (the player). I've also been pretty clear about how he has had a good season. I'm all for maximizing your earnings/profits, but there is a line of respect that cannot be cross without catching my wrath indefinitely. That line was crossed. End of story.

And that number that you referred to me with is a heinous number put on bumper stickers by a legion of obsequious sycophants who love to celebrate dubious accomplishments. I would appreciate it greatly to refer to me as anything but that.

Anonymous said...

As this will be one of the most exciting regular season days in recent history, i will be rooting for the sox and cardinals, i was semi in the boat that they deserve to lose this.. but as a fan i want to see them overcome this obstacle and go on to win it all.