Sunday, February 7, 2010

Come At Me, Bro. Come At Me, Bud.

This is something that we have concluded in several different offline conversations, and I think after this weekend, it's time to call out both of these individuals for their hideous incompetence and stunning similarities. Commissioner Allan H. Selig of Major League Baseball and President William D. Adams of Colby College are the same person. In the wake of the track team scoring 28.5 points at the state meet this weekend, finishing fourth behind USM (169.5), Bowdoin (164.5), and Bates (144.5), I find it necessary to say something about it.

Think about these similarities: Commissioner Selig and President Adams both have cheesy nicknames to hide the fact that they're completely uncharismatic old mummies. Selig, of course, calls himself "Bud," and many people who read this know President Adams as "Bro." These two things are very true: Selig is not my bud and Adams is not my bro. Maybe some people find these leaders charismatic, like Adams's special friend from the English department a few years ago. And I'm sure Steve Harvey, whose television show was played when people were looking for the 2008 ALCS on TBS, likes Selig because he got some free publicity.

Second, neither care about their athletes. If Adams had cared about his athletes, the field house would not have remained a 1960s-era relic. Colby is the only track team in Maine that cannot host indoor meets because the track is in such heinous disrepair. Athletes have been injured on that surface for years and years. When a big rainstorm wiped out the basketball court in 2007, it took nearly a year before it was rebuilt. Recruiting practices have gone completely to crap, as every other team in the conference lowers their standards slightly to get some good athletes to the school. The fact that seasons like Colby Baseball 2005 (0-27) and the XC and track seasons the last two years have happened show management's commitment to sports. Over the last decade, more Colby teams have finished last in the conference than first in the conference. This is an effective way to piss off alumni.

Meanwhile, Selig's commitment to his athletes is evident as he is continuing to let them shoot up with illegal substances that may ultimately jeopardize their health significantly. The fact that he sat with his thumb up his rear end for a freaking decade, and couldn't read the Mitchell Report in three days, speaks for itself.

A third stunning similarity is that President William D. Adams and Commissioner Allan H. Selig always talk about how right now is the golden age. They pat themselves on the back when they talk about the state of the game, the college, etc. Like Theo Epstein, they often look at one metric (revenue, number of buildings built) to measure their success. It's like they drive with a blindfold on, relying on their own delusional arrogance, knowing that they know exactly what to do.

Fourth, and perhaps most importantly, both Bro Adams and Bud Selig are undermining the traditions and overall well-being of their respective institutions to sell out to small numbers of stakeholders. Some of Adams's boys are whispering in his ear to cut down on a partying culture at the school. "Brohibition," the outlawing of hard alcohol on campus, is going into effect next year amid much less controversy than when it was originally posed by President Adams. Their security guards gained national attention last year when they were characteristically combative, overreactionary, and aggressive, beating two students to bloody pulps. There is a corrupt room draw system when the administrators make rooms "unavailable" until their friends' lottery numbers come up. Senior Steps is a thing of the past. Donations by recent alumni are plummeting because they don't like what's going on there. But some of Adams's boys are happy, so Adams thinks he's progressive.

Meanwhile, baseball has a World Classic to appease idiots who think the World Series isn't "world" enough. The World Series lasts until the second week of November in cities like Philadelphia, Cleveland, and New York so that fans suffer but the television networks are happy. Games are played in 33-degree rainstorms so that the schedule of "So You Think You Can Dance" is not interrupted on FOX. No aggressive action has been taken against steroids unless the United States Congress starts getting on Selig's case.

And most importantly, ticket prices keep on rising while quality (as outlined above) continues to fall. Some tickets in baseball (we know, we know) are over $1000 apiece. The Franchise's family is paying $51,000 or so this year so that their daughter can live in a 97-square-foot closet and only have one choice for food on the weekends due to cost-cutting measures. The most important part at each institution is that the classes are still brilliant and baseball is still baseball. But everything surrounding that most important part is falling apart at the seams. More coverage is given to the NFL Draft than the first month of the baseball season. And my degree and Pat's degree are depreciating rapidly.

This is thanks to the uncharismatic, ineffective leaders with goofy nicknames: Bud Selig and Bro Adams, who are essentially the same person.


Anonymous said...


In spite of the truth of everything you've written, I would like to point out the exception to the rule: Colby Men's and Women's basketball are a combined 34-7 this year.

But you're right. Most of the other teams are either mediocre or bad. And it really appears to be apathy by the powers that be more than anything else.

Outlawing hard liquor is a joke. Bowdoin has a similar prohibition. And speaking from experience, it carries no weight at all. I think it will be business as usual on campus next year, except that there will be a citations written for hard liquor. But it won't change consumption.

But the biggest thing that bothers me about college is general is tuition. It's ridiculous. My freshman year, tuition was $32K. That was eight years ago. Since then it has increased 65%. Has the cost of living increased by anything remotely that high in the last eight years? No. Maybe Colby's endowment plummeted? No. It's higher than it was in 2002. The fact is that schools like Colby are raising tuition to absurd levels because they can. That's all there is to it. At this rate, it will cost $85K per year to go to Colby in 2018. That's ridiculous.

--the Gunn

the gm at work said...


Talent like Tim C's basketball prowess is hard to come by. And usually, players like Tim C can't get into Colby on merit so they go to Bates...or they can get into Colby on merit but can get into Bowdoin on merit and athletic ability, so they go to Bowdoin.

You walked into the athletic center between April 23, 2007 and January 1, 2008, so you know just how apathetic the administration is toward its athletes. The basketball teams are excelling despite Preident Adams's best efforts.