Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Dislikability of the RN Rays

Well, the Red Sox are on the verge of elimination, and as easy as it is to dislike certain members of the Red Sox (click this link to see evidence of that), the Tampa Bay Religiously-Neutral Rays are extremely dislikable. Let's leave this "exciting bunch of kids" crap to TBS, a network adeptly referred to on the Whiner Line as standing for "Tampa Bay Suckups." But let's run it down here.

-Scott Kazmir. In the 2004-5 offseason, in an earlier incarnation of my writing, I said that Kazmir is going to end up being the next Jaret Wright: A young, successful pitcher with occasional control problems and occasional headhunting problems. A cocky punk who enjoyed his success too early and would burn out. As I said in an earlier comment, he's almost halfway done to fulfilling the prophecy and signing with the Yankees, only to be traded two years later for an overweight reliever.
-Carlos Pena. I spoke to an authority who competed against Haverhill High School and says that they're a bunch of punk losers. If you're from Massachusetts, you've heard that Pena is from Haverhill. And if you're from Wilmington and read HYD Baseball last week, you know that Haverhill is right next to Pentucket, our #2 most hated rivals.
-James Shields. Another headhunter. Punches like a girl.
-Grant Ball Four. Another headhunter. And you gotta root for a reliever with a last name like "Balfour" to issue a lot of "ball fours." F Grant Ball Four. He is a punk loser.
-Troy Percival. While I do admire the fact that he's the ultimate anti-Nancy Drew, screaming at his manager when his manager thinks he's hurt. you gotta root against a guy who has TWICE been pulled out of Red Sox games while sucking due to phantom injuries he insist aren't happening. Which brings me to...
-Joe Maddon. F this F'ing guy. Dude, you're 56 years old. You wear emo glasses. Do you listen to Panic! at the Disco? They're about a quarter of your age. You take out Percival due to phantom injuries because you don't have the balls to tell your pitcher that he should be pulled due to the fact that he sucks. You scream from the dugout to Coco Crisp. You teach your players to play dirty and throw at people. There's a reason everyone in the AL East hates your team: Because you allow them to be friggin punks. Good job, Joe. Way to act your age.
-Akinori Iwamura. How many Japanese players are there in the Major Leagues now? Well, Iwamura's a nice player, but he's one of the worst. Iwamura pimping a home run is like Kevin Cash pimping a home run. Know your role, Iwamura. You are a punk. Don't pimp home runs.
-Jason Bartlett. I would put money on Bartlett's brains more than any of these other punks. This punk puts his legs down when someone's sliding headfirst into second base. That crap, along with not being that good of a baseball player, ruined Coco Crisp's baseball career. But Jason Bartlett is okay with that. I'm okay with throwing at him every time he's up.
-Religiously-Neutral Rays fans. Other than that one heckler who has been there the whole time. Someone asked me what the Rays' version of pink hats are. I said:

Rays fans. They nailed the Red Sox fan stereotype in the "New Sawks Jersey" video, but it is not hard to exaggerate the answer. Just ask the loser in the Olympia Sports commercials

In conclusion, F the Tampa Bay Religiously-Neutral Rays. Pull a Gilbert Arenas and drop 84-85 on these friggin losers, let's get it.

9 comments:

The GM said...

Also, F BJ Upton. He dogs it like Manny except he doesn't make up for it by being either good or entertaining. He's a slightly-better version of Izzy Alcantara.

Anonymous said...

DV,

I don't know why, but I'm totally loving the angry negative version of DV today.

Screw Tampa, they are a bunch of punks.

-Bandi

Ross Kaplan said...

I don't want to speak too soon, but it appears that I have redeemed myself with my shockingly accurate LCS predictions. My boy Scotty K is going to finish the job tonight.

the gm at work said...

Bandi,

Sometimes I can channel my steady flow of player-hating in a direction other than that of JD Drew, Jason Varitek, and 46. It makes sense because, after all, I am a Red Sox fan.

This year's Tampa team is easily as hatable as the Tanyon Sturtze/Jeff Nelson/Karim Garcia/Jorge Posada Yankee teams. There's just less of a chip on Red Sox fans' shoulders.

You should have heard the voicemail I left Featherston yesterday.

Tank, congratulations on your success. There's a 25% chance my coin could have gotten it right, too.

Anonymous said...

dude, get with the times. Panic at the Disco removed the exclamation point from their name.

Sick post DV

John said...

Who is Karim Garica?

Pat F said...

tank - nice job patting yourself on the back. the red sox haven't had the lead after 3 and 4 games the last two times they've visited the alcs, and have won both. saying you aren't jumping the gun, and then jumping the gun, does not work out. just ask the gunn.

the gm at work said...

I also missed the part about Jonny Gomes. He's more of a pile jumper than Junior Seau and he punches people in the back and pulls people's hair. I believe he was also a big player in the Shelley Duncan brawl in spring training, just looking for a reason to fight someone dirty. F him.

the gm at work said...

Anonymous,

I was well aware that Panic at the Disco had dropped the "!" I found out the day it happened when an emo cross-country teammate sent me a distraught email. I used the "!" in this case because I feel like they lost some of their teenage angst when they lost the exclamation point. Therefore, I will keep using the "!" when writing about Panic! at the Disco. Which, obviously, is very frequently.

Pat, you blatantly missed an easy joke at the Gunn's expense. Try it this way:

Saying you aren't jumping the gun and then jumping the gun doesn't work out. Just ask any morally-flexible woman who has jumped the Gunn.